above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

[twotwelfths]

PROVERBS 4:23




It felt predestined, their meeting, even if they otherwise disagreed on predestination, James' Lutheran upbringing making him an advocate of unconditional election rather than predestination to damnation which Benjamin believed in, being ever the good Calvinist. However, seeing as they weren't in the same year and didn't live in the same dorm, the chances of them coming across each other was actually pretty small on campus. It was only because Benjamin flunked first year Hebrew and needed to follow James' class for his second try-out that they ended up sitting next to each other. Two days into the course, Benjamin turned towards him during a break and looked over his notes, commenting: "This stuff comes easily to you, huh?"

"I've got a flair for languages," James replied, shrugging. Maybe it came with being bilingual. Some systems were almost inherent.

"Got a flair for tutoring as well? Because then I'm willing to pay you," Benjamin said.

James didn't want his money, but they agreed to study together, three times a week, three-hours of dedicated work each. The regularity of it ensured that they quickly got to know each other. Benjamin was the youngest son of a Baptist minister, not unlike James and his pastor father, but no one in his family had expected their children to follow in his footsteps, so when Ben had shown interest in taking up theology, they'd all been very surprised. Threw me a party, Ben told him the third or fourth time they'd sat down to cram their conjugation tables. He was ecstatic.

Laughing a bit, James had though about his own dad, the expectations, the nurturing. Benjamin and him weren't anymore alike than that.

~

By the end of the semester, they were still tied at the hip which meant that even after Benjamin aced his exam and returned to his regular third-semester schedule, they kept seeing each other, met up in Benjamin's dorm room because it was bigger and discussed all types of dogma, philosophy, literature (they were both avid readers) or pop culture.

All in all, they were pretty different. Ben was from Illinois, had four older sisters and was the spoiled brat of that bunch. His father was a jovial man who just wanted everyone to see the greatness of Jesus, regardless of their shortcomings - Ben talked about him with unprecedented admiration, how he'd been serving the Armed Forces for years before meeting Ben's mom, how he worked regularly at a soup kitchen in downtown Chicago and was known (infamous) for marrying divorced people and other so-perceived sinners.

His family seemed nice, to be honest. Even before James met them the first time, it was completely different from his own strict, patriarchal system at home. And naturally, Ben had turned out differently from it, right? He wasn't as perfectionist as James or cared as much about appearances. He read crime fiction (loved Sherlock Holmes) and Japanese manga, he listened to rap and hiphop music where James had got his tastes from his father, the classics and jazz.

Benjamin made him read Dan Brown. When James complained about it being far-fetched and inaccurate, he laughed and said, sure, but it's damn fine entertainment.

The Da Vinci Code kept him up all night, as a result.

~

That year, Ben invited him home over New Year's.

His family was very homogenous, four blond sisters, a blond mother, a medium-blond dad and then Ben to tie up the loose ends. No Mexican mother to stand out in Richmond's upper classes, though maybe she wouldn't have looked that different in the diversity of inner Chicago where Ben's family lived.

First thing that happened when James stepped into the hallway where the Smiths' were all lined up to greet him after Ben had picked him up in the airport was his dad (Charles) stepping forward and clasping his shoulder.

"This the good Lutheran," he asked Ben who nodded. "Well, son," he looked James up and down, "we won't hold that against you, will we?"

James knew he'd be right at home.

~

On New Year's Eve they lay in bed after an honestly insane party, a little bit of drinking had occurred, seeing as Charles was more lax on Baptist doctrine than most, so James was nursing his slight tipsiness with a hand that ran repeatedly through his hair, ruffling it. He felt sweaty and his heart was pounding. It wasn't the alcohol. They shared, because Ben's bed was big enough for two, really and the spare mattress that James had slept on the previous night was to be delegated elsewhere what with the huge number of guests the Smiths had over.

The room was dark and quiet. He could hear Benjamin breathing, irregularly, which meant he wasn't asleep either. Welcome, 2013. His hand stopped its ministrations.

"You got any resolutions for New Year," he asked slowly.

"Yeah," Benjamin sounded contemplative. "You're not supposed to say these things out loud, right? It'll jinx it."

"Aren't we raised above that kind of superstition," James wanted to know, feeling a smile creep on. This felt normal, this felt the same way it always did. His shoulders were coming down a bit, too.

"I don't know, we believe in a guy who turned water into wine," Benjamin replied.

"Come on, you can tell me." Now James was actually curious and rolled onto his stomach, a tiny bit closer to the other boy, their sides brushing, their thighs, their shoulders.

A pause. He could feel Benjamin looking sideways at him in the darkness. He turned his head.

"Okay. My New Year resolution is that I'm going to kiss you."

And that was all the warning James got.

~

They returned to Princeton as a couple. It wasn't anything official, of course, imagine the reactions all-round they'd get for that kind of trouble, but they'd agreed that was what they were, after jerking each other off on Ben's bed, quietly and fumbling, lying close together in the aftermath and breathing each other in. Out. In.

Even university felt new and different in the light of it. At least they didn't take any classes together, that would've been awkward, but every minute out of the auditoriums was spent against some surface somewhere, kissing, fucking, making lame theories about Jesus and his disciples which felt equal parts liberating and blasphemous.

Benjamin insisted he shipped Jesus and Judas. You've seen the musical, haven't you, and when James admitted he hadn't, Benjamin promptly downloaded it and they watched it together, commenting on the most non-theologically correct aspects all throughout like total nerds.

It felt great. It felt great sharing that... thing that had always been there, like an inborn perversion, with someone else. It felt less heavy. It felt less alone.

~

Two years later, around Christmas hols, they talked about James inviting Benjamin with him home this time around, but in the end James decided against it. His family wasn't like Ben's family, they wouldn't welcome Benjamin in with open arms and have a big party and hold nothing against him. Even worse, he's pretty sure someone at home would guess. Would know what they were doing.

Nevertheless, it wasn't the fear that made him choose not to bring Ben. It was the determination. He'd been thinking a lot lately about not wanting to live a lie, not wanting to live in hiding. He wanted a different kind of life for himself, where it wasn't all shame and sin.

No way he'd ever get that if he didn't come out.

He didn't tell Benjamin about his plans, but went home, came out on Christmas Eve and lived to regret it.

~

"It's Benjamin."

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey. Wait, you alright? Are you crying?"

"I told my dad."

"What? You told your dad what, James?"

"About me... About us."

"You did what?!"

"They've sent me back to Princeton, I'm at the airport right now."

"They kicked you out?"

"My dad did. He said I need to go back and focus on my studies. Ask for forgiveness."

"Jamie, shit."

"Joke's on him. I'm dropping out."

"Don't you think you need to sleep on that?"

"No, this system wasn't made for me. I'm not going to just mindlessly adapt anymore."

"That's your decision, of course. Listen, I need to go. Call you later, okay?"

"Okay."

~

He waited until Ben got back from Christmas holidays before setting the official procedures into motion, talking to his counselor, signing papers, the whole deal. That afternoon, they met in Ben's dorm room for the last time and James could tell from the moment he stepped inside. It was over.

"This isn't going to work," Benjamin said, holding out both arms in a kind of resigned gesture. Something shriveled up and died inside him, James could feel. In his chest. "Couldn't you have waited or something? Had fun a while longer before you went and made everything into such serious fucking business."

"It was always serious business to me," James replied and felt his hands ball into fists at his sides.

"Everything always is." Benjamin ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I'm not like you, I'm going to become a minister and I'm going to marry and I'm going to have kids."

"You said," James began.

"I said what," Benjamin wanted to know. There was quiet between them for a while, just the sound of people milling down the hallway outside and someone yelling for Patrick who lived three doors down. James swallowed hard.

"You said we were together," he replied.

"We were and now we're not. That's the way it goes. You need to learn to let loose, James."

Blinking back tears, James straightened up and turned away, towards the door. Still, it took him twenty seconds to actually make the decision to head for it, kick it open and disappear out the dorm's main entrance on the left. I did, he thought to himself, crossing campus as quickly as you can when it covers acres of land and you're passing through what could as well be different dimensions. You taught me, didn't you?

~

He was allowed to move back home, but he obviously wasn't welcome. James spent the next two months primarily in his bedroom, looking up places to live in L.A. that he could afford on his own. His mother suggested he could live with his grandparents, but honestly - he was done sharing a space with religious people, for a good while to come, right? He'd had enough of that. Having to live in his own head was bad enough.

No belief system would keep him down anymore, least of all his own. Let loose, Ben had said and James thought, well, better have fun with it, then.

His unconstrained and voluntary choice.